Embracing Anxiety
It’s a familiar sensation. My mind begins to race. The questions and “what-ifs” begin to swirl in my head, spinning fast, and then faster, like a dog chasing its tail. My head begins to hurt, and my belly and chest tighten and constrict. I’m frozen, unable to act, or at least unable to act with confidence. My old friend anxiety has arrived for another visit.
For me, anxiety is a familiar visitor, but it wasn’t until recently that I have been able to name it, identify its presence, and do something about it. In the past, anxiety was so familiar that I didn’t even notice its presence. It was just always there, and it felt normal. It took a coach to help me realize that my body was trying to inform me when anxiety was present and what to do with this frequent intruder.
What is anxiety anyway? Where does it come from, when does it arise in us, who suffers from it, how can we be rid of it? It seems that our fast-paced society breeds anxious children, teenagers, adults and senior citizens. People in general are more “plugged-in” with noise blasting in their ears than ever before; podcasts, news, music, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, etc. You get the idea. There is a constant intrusion of input from the outside.
With all this noise and very little quiet, our minds are constantly running at high speed. This creates the perfect storm for anxiety to arise. Anxiety is not a respecter of age, economic status, or gender. Eventually, everyone tastes the bitterness of anxiety. What is anxiety, and how can it be best dealt with?
I have seen many different definitions of anxiety, but one that stands out above the rest comes from Sheryl Paul in her book, The Wisdom of Anxiety.
“Anxiety is a feeling of dread, agitation, or foreboding associated with a danger that does not exist in the present moment. It can also be defined as a general and pervasive sense of disease without an identified source. Anxiety, while often experienced in the body, is a head-state that keeps its prisoners trapped in the realm of unproductive and fear-based thinking. Anxiety keeps you on high alert, and at its core, lives the belief that you’re not okay, that you’ll never be okay, and that you’re not safe physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. Anxiety and trust are mutually exclusive.”
Sometimes anxiety arises over all the anticipated “what-ifs”. What if I lose my job? What if I never get married? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if my car breaks down? What if…you fill in the blank. These things haven’t happened, and probably won’t happen, but just thinking about the possibility of it happening fills us with an uneasiness that results in physical symptoms and often self-doubt about our capacity to cope with the situation, if it should happen.
Anxiety can also be experienced as a hyper-vigilant mindset, always looking, and always aware of what is around you. This mindset was so much a part of my everyday life that I didn’t even notice it was there. It just felt normal. Doesn’t everyone think like that? I was surprised to learn that not everyone puts so much energy into being “safe”. I lived with anxiety simmering just underneath the surface all the time. This is a very exhausting way to live life.
So how do we deal with anxiety? How do we learn to know when it is present? What do we do when we sense that our thinking is beginning to swirl out of control? What do we do when we freeze? Here are a few guidelines that have helped me in bringing awareness and healing around anxiety in my life.
1. Notice and Name
Anxiety produces bodily sensations. Our bodies will feel the anxiety before our minds will tell us that we are anxious. Learning to notice the sensations in my body has helped me to name what I am experiencing. When I can name and identify the sensations I am feeling, the strength of the anxiety is lessened. For example, when I feel tightness in my chest, face and gut, I can notice this and name it. “I’m feeling tightness in my chest, pain at the top of my head, and an ache in my gut. This is anxiety.” Bringing awareness to bodily sensations informs us about our experiences. When we are informed, we can respond with more clarity.
2. Allow the Sensations to be there with Compassion
In our western culture, we avoid pain. We don’t turn towards it. We numb, distract or just plain run away to escape the pain. This is resistance. By resisting pain, it somehow magnifies the pain. Have you heard the saying, “What we resist, persists”? It’s true. When we don’t look at what we are feeling, it is pushed inward only to arise at some later date and usually with greater force. Our bodies hold these feelings until we decide to deal with them. They don’t just go away. By allowing the pain to be there, gently holding it and breathing into it, the pain begins to diminish. With the breath, we offer ourselves compassion. This means you treat yourself as you would treat one of your very good friends. There is no judgment or shame; just allowing the sensations to be present.
3. Acceptance
Once we have allowed the anxiety to be there with compassion, we can get curious and begin to ask questions as to what it might be trying to tell us. Questions such as: Is this a familiar feeling? Do I get anxious in this setting on a consistent basis? Is this anxiety connected to something in my past? Is there something I am fearing underneath the anxiety? What is this anxiety protecting me from feeling?
Over time, we begin to learn that whatever we are experiencing is “Reality.” Acceptance is learning to live life on life’s terms. It doesn’t mean that I like the situation or that I agree with the situation. It’s just a recognition that this is “what is”. Acceptance of Reality allows us to let go of our defenses and resistances and to open up to what is really occurring. When we accept, “what is,” there is a softening around it and an opening to more clarity.
It used to be that every time I found myself in a state of anxiety I would say things to myself like, “Here it is again. I’m so broken!” or “I hate it when I get to this place. I wish it would go away!” I was clearly resisting my current situation. I used to think that because I was anxious so much of the time, there was something wrong with me, I was broken. But then I learned something that has helped me to welcome anxiety rather than resist it: Anxiety is a messenger that is trying to tell me something! When I view anxiety this way, the shame melts away and I can pause and listen to what is there.
This one small shift has taken away the shame mindset and birthed a mindset of curiosity. There isn’t anything wrong with me, and nothing needs to be fixed! I simply use the anxiety as a signal to ask the question, “What is it that wants to be known?” Sheryl Paul, author of The Wisdom of Anxiety says, “Anxiety, when approached from the mindset of learning, directs you to something deep inside that needs to be seen, a call from soul to pay attention, an invitation from the wellsprings of being to turn inward and heal at the next layer of growth.”
This mindset leads to right action.
4. Action
When we act in the world and “show-up,” we want to do so from a fully embodied position. Our minds have quieted down, our hearts have opened, and we are living in the present moment. When we are fully embodied, we act rather than react. We are able to live our lives according to the rhythms and flow of Reality. We learn to discern what is arising in the moment and how to align with it. Can you sense how acting from this fully embodied space might result in a much healthier outcome than reacting from an anxiety-filled body?
What does this look like in real life? Here is one example of an individual learning to use anxiety as a messenger. In a coaching session, a client spoke about the anxiety he felt regarding his home. Let’s call him Frank. Frank’s environment needed to be in “perfect” order before he could do anything else. When things were in a disarray, he felt anxiety rising in him. We began by bringing awareness to the sensations he was feeling in his body and naming those sensations. Frank turned toward the pain and brought a big dose of self-compassion to his being. By dropping into the body and out of the head, Frank immediately felt a softening in his heart, and it began to open. He said that this anxiety was a familiar feeling when he was a child. His mom was a compulsive cleaner and had to have everything in its place. There was no room for him to have a mess or to explore his creativity. Eventually he began to see that his internalized message was, “To be loved by my mom, I believed that everything had to be in order.” Frank saw that trying to maintain perfection was his way of finding love. Always needing perfection produced feelings of anxiety that constricted his being and kept him from showing up in his world the way he wanted to. What was useful as a child found its way into adulthood, but it was no longer serving him. Frank’s new awareness of his false belief around perfection and love allowed him to make different choices. Over time, he practiced noticing and naming the sensations, breathing into those sensations, allowing them to be there with compassion and curiosity, accepting “what is,” and acting from a fully embodied place. Frank is learning to live fully alive!
Life holds many obstacles and tensions. Currently, our world is moving through a major transition with Covid-19. If you find yourself anxious and would like to learn how to manage its impact on your life, I would love to walk through this journey with you! Please reach out and contact me at https://www.terrilieberman.com.
